27 January 2010

Broken

I remember years ago when my dear sister-in-law started referring to herself as broken. I think it was around 4 or 5 kids (she has 8). Some of you know this feeling. The exhausted, house is dirty, laundry not done and I just don't care feeling? Yeah, I am pretty much there right now.

The past few days, I have sat down to try and write a blog post. Millions of thoughts swirl through my head-including starting to write about my parents' illnesses. Guess what? Not a word was written. I am broken.

I am at that point in the winter where I feel beaten. And it hasn't even been that bad of a winter compared to the past couple. The sun peaked out for maybe 5 minutes yesterday, and I was ecstatic. I took my sunglasses instead of my regular ones. I love when the sun is out in the winter. I needed my other glasses shortly after leaving the house (left them at home). Drew came home with torn snow pants twice this week. Monday, he sported and 8 inch gash in them. I got out the sewing machine and stitched them up. Tuesday he came home with a similar gash right below where I'd sewn the first. I admitted defeat and took off my last hour of work so I could run to the store and find a new pair. I am broken.

Last week, while I was up at school coaching forensics (junior high public speaking competition), Michael had his first wetting accident in months. I had nothing there for him. He had to sit wet for 45 minutes. On the same day, Peter left his social studies project on the hard drive at school. It was due the next day. That afternoon, Drew commented that he and Alex were the only ones I hadn't raised my voice to. I am broken.

Yesterday, I asked the boys to quickly and quietly have their snack after school. I had to feed Alex, and just wanted a few quiet moments before homework, dinner and my rush to teach at my new earlier hour. The boys got louder and Michael's bowl of popcorn flew across the kitchen. I hung my head and thought to myself, I feel so broken.

I am trying to imitate Christy's example by thanking God for these moments, and MckMama's reminder that one day I am gonna miss this, but boy, some days it is so hard.

16 comments:

Frizzy said...

Some day you'll miss this but yesterday was not one of those days. We've all been there I PROMISE YOU! I am sorry you feel broken right now. There is nothing worse than feeling like that. Remember God is always present and waiting for us to come to him first. HE knows our struggles and heartaches and bodies better than anyone. HE can help heal them too. I pray you have more than 5 minutes of sun today. I know the feeling. As soon as I posted my comment on FB it was gone. GONE like the wind or a figment of my imagination. Today the clouds are back and thick as theives. UGH!

Christy said...

oh, therese. I am right there with you. I promise I am. I am such a neat freak and my house is falling apart. The baby is sick and not sleeping, the kids are whiny and grouchy, school projects are adding up and during homework yesterday I screamed at Laura Grace.

I only admit all of that to say that I am there with you. Motherhood is hard. Having a baby is hard. I also struggle in the winter time probably because of the season-the constant gray weather gets me down. I am praying for you! God gave you those precious children because he knew that you could not only parent them but do it well. I think he uses motherhood to refine us, to burn off what shouldn't be there-I read that the other day and feel that it is SO true. I realize I am rambling. Praying for you!

Corinne said...

Ah! Amen sister - I'm sitting here right now with a filthy house thinking, I need to pick some of this stuff up now or Dave's gonna freak - but I don't really know where to start..

btw - I just felt like I should ask - do you need/want help with forensics, I don't know anything about it, but I just had this weird feeling like I should offer...

Gramma 2 Many said...

You are not alone sweet friend of mine. It is the plight of motherhood-womanhood. Even at 63 years of age, I still get that feeling. Our only hope is in HIM who understands us and our hopes and desires. I try to remember the Proverbs 31 woman.
Love you from afar:)

Sarah said...

As I read this post title, I wondered what the post would contain. And then I began to read on and tears filled my eyes. Many days I feel broken and although that word can sometimes give an illusion of despair and 'end of my rope', I also find that in my brokeness I reach more toward Heaven and all the graces that are sent my way. I ache and I long for that wholeness that Christ and His Mother give me. And when I am 'broken' I am perhaps most ready to be formed and changed more readily. All of that does not make the broken days any easier, but I do survive and make it through to the other side.

I will keep you close in prayer today and pray that you will find peace and grace, even in the midst of feeling broken. Blessings!

Jamie Jo said...

Ahhhhhh ((((((big hugs))))))
This too, shall pass....

And it will. And you will be relieved.

I feel exactly the same way.

Laundry for 7 people, is just...hard. Period.

God bless you, hand in there, knowing there are others feeling the same way!

Sharon said...

Bless your heart, Therese! When it rains it pours, huh? Saying a prayer for you!

Aussie Therese said...

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Jamie Jo took the words right out of my mouth.

I keep saying this too shall pass about pregnancy at the moment so each time I do, I will say a little prayer for you too.

Kim H. said...

Honey, know I am right there in the boat floating along side of you. And the boats a little rocky, and their might be some holes in it, but know, with a little persistence, prayer, friends, time to reflect, letting go and trust, you will once again be whole!

Love you!

Nancy said...

I assure you, you will NOT miss the brokeness! Still...I hear you...I mean I REALLY HEAR YOU! Lately, I've been just letting it come. Let it wash over you...wallow in it for awhile. Then, brush it off and start from where you are. You are a mom of FOUR!!! I think the fact that you don't get in your car and start driving, driving & driving until you're very far from home...is half the battle!You are overwhelmed....we've all been there. We'll all be there again. Don't beat yourself up my dear friend! You are an awesome mom...and awesome wife and a wonderful friend! You are allowed to have bad days...even several in a row! You may be broken....but God has the strongest super glue ever! He'll put your pieces back together...I promise.
Love you,
Nancy

Herd Momma said...

Here are my big hugs too. {{{{THERESE}}}}} I'm not sure what it is but the broken feeling is running ramped. I feel like during the night my ability to speak english left. I still hear the words coming out of my mouth but apparently it sounds foreign to all around me. I think that today while attempting to clean up instead of worring about how they are going to destroy it when they get home and never appreciate the hard work I'll think of all my sisters out here who are going through the same. I'm going to go find an e-mail a friend sent and see if I can get the video to upload on my blog. check it later. I think you'll appreciate it.

Christine said...

Sometimes the blogging world makes everyone look perfect. perfect kids, projects and house.

TOTALLY NOT TRUE!

We are all trying to keep the boat a-float while carrying all the crosses of daily life.

this too shall pass

take a long bath...do something for mama...a quiet 5 min. walk outside in this long minnesota winter might help???!!!

Karyn @ Candarbry Garden said...

Where is it written that you need to be perfect? HuH? listen woman, children are an inheritance, They are a gift! Honestly, sometimes I feel like regifting or returning the gift! breathe, the sun will be out again soon, I hear tanning beds once a week help, but I haven't had the $ to spare yet.

Jillian said...

Hi Therese,
I'm so sad for you, and feel so useless being so far away. I would like to take you into my arms and give you the BIGGEST friend HUG that you've ever had, but I can't, so please accept this hug knowing what it means. (((((Therese))))) I'd like to be able to babysit for you, so that you could have some time for you.

Sometimes with young children, life can seem so hard, but know that you are loved, and just do what you can.

My friend, have a great week,
Blessings,
Jillian ♥

Sarah - Kala said...

God has Super Glue - it's called "I love you and you are Mine" one of a kind glue. Proverbs 29:11. He will rebuild you! Hang on like Jacob/Israel for your blessing! He will give you what you need. . . right on time. BIG HUGS and prayers from me.
If you can't laugh in the moment, there will be a moment when you eventually will!

Shawna said...

I'm just now getting around to catching up on blog-reading. I hope you're feeling at least a little better by now. Big hugs coming your way . . .and if you need anything, even if it's just to vent, I'm here for you!