Why is trust so hard? I am talking about trusting God. He has never let me down, and yet, why in times of stress, turmoil, or indecision do I turn away and decide to do things myself? I am working on finding an answer to this, and yet, it is so hard!
Take, for example, when I was pregnant with Michael. I had lost my Mom only 5 months before I got pregnant, and my Dad, who was in the final stages of cancer had taken a turn for the worse about 4 months before Michael was born. I was constantly asking medical professionals, "How long does he have?" My poor brother, the oncologist, I would ask him this over and over. When we moved Dad to hospice in late June of 2005, Sal told me he would be surprised if Dad was there at Labor Day. I was due in mid-September! This absolutely could not happen! Guess what? It didn't! God, in his infinite wisdom, gave us 9 more months with Dad. Daddy was here to see Michael born and baptized. He was also here to see my nephew, Peter, score the game winning field goal in TCU's bowl game that year. My point? Instead of trusting that God would do what was best, I spent much of that 9 months wanting to know. Like any of us truly know when we will die. I must trust.
Then, there is this past year with a whirlwind of changes for just about everyone due to the economy. I lost my supervisory role at work and had to take the accompanying pay cut. I have been very disheartened at work. Feeling like I have been demoted to "just a teacher." I need to trust and let this go. Teaching is where my passion is, right? So I need to embrace that. Again, it comes down to trust. My hours were cut to just about zero. I was thinking that I needed to figure this out. That I needed to solve this. I began to look for other opportunities. Again, God knew just what I needed. This week, I have seen an increase in hours that is just about where we need me to be. I must trust.
Now, there is this little issue of my nephew's game tomorrow night. My precious Alexandra does not like being separated from her Mama. We had arranged for my in-laws to stay with her and Michael. Last night, she screamed while I taught. I could hear her fussing most of the 3 hours I was teaching. I came out and told Andy that I can't go to the game. Yet, I need to go. John is my godson, and a senior. If they win, they go to State next week. If they don't, this is his last game. He is hoping to play next year, but if it is very far, it is unlikely that I would be able to go see him play. I have been trying to come up with a solution on my own. Could I bundle her up? (too cold and it is supposed to rain tomorrow) I could stay home, Andy could stay home. Then, I said to Andy, what if we take 2 cars. If I settle her down for a nap before we go, she'd sleep half the time. If she gets frantic, your Mom could call and one of us could come home? When I called to propose this to my mother-in-law, she told me we could take one car. She promised Alex would be fine. God knew I needed to hear that. Again, I must trust. I must pray and I must trust. All will be well.