Mommy Musings

This post has been stirring around in my head for quite some time. It started with something I read on one blog and then evolved into something else as a result of something else I read. From the beginning, please understand that I am in no way making a commentary on anyone else's choices. This post is about me.

So, as I said, a few weeks ago, I read a post from a new mom that she was lonely. Oh, how I remember those first weeks when I had stopped working to become a SAHM. I was so lonely. All of my friends at the time were still working, some not married, some married with no kids. I think that being a SAHM mom can be one of the most rewarding jobs in the world, but also one of the loneliest. I mean, you can't talk to your 2 year old about life's worries, can you?

I think over time, life changes. I had more kids. My life slowly changed. I hate to say it, but friendships changed too. I now have a group of friends who predominantly are also SAHMs. A few of my friends work, but most are in the same place I am. For the most part, the loneliness has subsided, but there still are days where I miss adult conversation. I suppose that is why blogging has become so important to me. It is kind of an outlet to alleviate those lonely days.

So, then I read on a couple of other blogs thoughts about what I term 'The Mommy Wars". You know what I mean, stay at home vs. working. I have to stay at the outset, that I hate this discussion because I think that stay at home mothers and working mothers can be downright mean to each other (breast feeding versus bottle feeding is in the same group). As a hybrid, (I work from home), I don't see myself as belonging in either group. I do wish we could support one another in our endeavors. 

Spiritual Reading

I have a problem lately when I read. Really it is with all reading, but it happens more when I am trying to do some spiritual reading. I get sleepy. I have the best of intentions, but I cannot seem to keep my eyes open.

So, this is me opening myself up a bit. I have been trying to make some changes for myself spiritually. Read, pray the rosary, and so on, but I get tired. I don't know if it is still due to my thyroid medicine not being quite right, and I get tired because of it. I really feel like God is calling me to do more of these things. I know it makes me happier, calmer, and better with the kids. For the summer, I am trying to pray the Rosary with the boys everyday, and that helps, but what am I to do about the rest?

Something I wrote

A while ago, I began writing for Helium. I wrote a few pieces and then stopped, not feeling like I was cut out for the program. I received an email this morning about an article I had written on the Catholic wife's role in marriage. The email was from the woman who had come up with the topic, and stated that it was "exactly what she was looking for." I thought I would share it here:

THE CATHOLIC WIFE'S ROLE IN MARRIAGE

There is a common misconception in society that the Catholic Church degrades women by not allowing them to become priests. The Catholic Church actually elevates the role of woman in her role as a wife and mother. God gave us the distinct privilege of doing something that men cannot do-bear children. This aspect of being a woman in the Catholic Church begins with being a wife.

Society today has, unfortunately, come to the point where many choose to not commit to marriage, and instead, to co-habit. It is as if people need a trial period before making that leap of faith not only in the person you are with but in yourself. If they marry, they always know that divorce is an out, that they can get a do-over. This concept is a far cry from what the Catholic Church asks of its members. Part of the role of a Catholic wife begins even before a marriage takes place. It is the decision to take that leap. To say, "I am going to commit to you for the rest of my life."

Marriage is a partnership. It is a balance of give and take. As a wife, part of her role is to know when she needs to give. I am a Catholic wife, as was my mother before me. It may sound traditionalist, however, I feel that in a marriage, and in the establishment of a family, the woman is often the one who sets the faith tone of the household. He always tells people that he knew that his faith would deepen when he met his wife. His saying, "All it takes is a good Catholic woman." I am so blessed that I am that woman.

Again, this may sound traditionalist when compared to today's society, but a part of my role as a Catholic wife is to really be present to my husband and what he needs. I also need to pray-pray that I am a good wife, and pray that he is a good husband. As long as prayer and open communication exist, we can't go wrong.

I have friends who have chosen to not take their husbands' surname when they marry. Although there is no value judgment attached to this, for me, the decision to take my husband's name was easy. I gladly took his name in the interest of uniting us as a family. Some people may cry that this is wrong, that I have lost a part of myself by doing this. I, however, say that I am the same woman, and in fact, I am stronger for it. Being a wife and mother has empowered me in a way I have never thought possible. I can thank my husband and my Catholic upbringing for that.

Random musings

Recently, I discovered a comment on a blog that a former friend made that was directed at me. Long and short, she had made a choice that she was sure that a former Catholic friend would condemn her for. To be honest, what she was choosing to do was not a huge deal and not something I would have even said anything to her about. I saw it last week and I have been kind of sitting with it. Not in terms of responding as that friendship is long gone. I have been sitting with it and thinking, "Is that what people think of me?"

As you all know, I take my faith very seriously. I am far from perfect. I sin, and I go to Confession and ask for forgiveness. I try very hard to live by what the Catholic Church teaches and sometimes I mess up, and that is OK. As a child of God, I know I just need ask and I will be forgiven.

But the comment made me think of a couple of things. First of all about choices. We all make them and we all have to suffer the consequences of said choices both good and bad. When it comes to the teachings of the Church, however, I tend to be kind of a legalist (especially on the big things). I know there are many who say they are Catholic, but then pick and choose what they will follow in Church teaching. I often wonder about that. For me, to go against the teachings of the Church is putting my hope of eternal life in jeopardy. An example of this would be the many politicians who say they are Catholic and then vote for pro-abortion legislation. I guess what I am trying to figure out is why. Why risk your chance of Heaven?

Back to my original thought, the comment from the other blog. What does this say about me and how people view me? I don't want to be seen as judgmental or condemning. I just want to see those I love in Heaven for all of eternity.

Lent and other musings

Lent starts tomorrow, and I am really struggling with plans to make this a great Lent, not only for me, but also for my family. I am really struggling with what to do. Last year, I gave up games on facebook-but that didn't go so well. I really want this Lent to be about well, preparing for Easter. How many times have I thought about what to do to get by with the bare minimum? What if Jesus had done that? I also want my boys to really be involved this year as well.

I purchased this book as a daily reflection book for Andy and I. I am excited to have something to meditate on over Lent. The boys have come to the consensus that they are giving up computer time and video games for Lent. I am proud of them for doing this, and it will not be easy.

As for me, I am not sure what sacrifice I am making. I feel like there are so many things I could give up-diet coke (but it is my ONLY source of caffeine), facebook and/or blogging (but then I feel like I will be in this solitary abyss, and I will miss my friends). I am really struggling with the decision. I want to have a fruitful Lent. I am just not sure how to go about it.

I did post on FB yesterday that I was thinking about giving up FB for Lent. So many people said just limit it. That, for me, is not a sacrifice. I just don't know!

One thing I do know is that I need to rethink schedules and such. I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. You would think it would have been when Alex was born, but that was the easy part. Now that she is scheduled, I feel like I have these little burst to get things done when she is napping. I just am feeling like I am running all the time in between bottles and feeding (she now is eating baby food 3 times per day!). Afternoons are awful! We get the boys from school, and it is a rush for snacks, bottle for Alex, homework, feed her baby food, get dinner going, and then Andy runs in the door, we have 30 minutes as a family and I run off to teach until 10. I don't want to be whiny. We have a great, blessed life with beautiful children. I am just running low on steam. I need to find time to pray more, read and craft. Sigh-don't know how I am going to do it!

I am going to figure this Lenten plan today. I'll let you know what I decide!

Wow!

Thank you for all of your wonderful comments! I really needed to be lifted up, and I definitely was! That is what I love about this beautiful blogging community-we are here for each other!

I am looking forward to Saturday, as one of my best friends talked me into attending our diocese's Women of Christ conference. I am looking forward to having some time for myself and time with Jesus. I believe in the schedule of the day there is besides a number of great talks, the opportunity for Confession, Adoration and it closes with Mass. I will take your intentions, spoken and unspoken with me and, of course, pray for each of you!

Broken

I remember years ago when my dear sister-in-law started referring to herself as broken. I think it was around 4 or 5 kids (she has 8). Some of you know this feeling. The exhausted, house is dirty, laundry not done and I just don't care feeling? Yeah, I am pretty much there right now.

The past few days, I have sat down to try and write a blog post. Millions of thoughts swirl through my head-including starting to write about my parents' illnesses. Guess what? Not a word was written. I am broken.

I am at that point in the winter where I feel beaten. And it hasn't even been that bad of a winter compared to the past couple. The sun peaked out for maybe 5 minutes yesterday, and I was ecstatic. I took my sunglasses instead of my regular ones. I love when the sun is out in the winter. I needed my other glasses shortly after leaving the house (left them at home). Drew came home with torn snow pants twice this week. Monday, he sported and 8 inch gash in them. I got out the sewing machine and stitched them up. Tuesday he came home with a similar gash right below where I'd sewn the first. I admitted defeat and took off my last hour of work so I could run to the store and find a new pair. I am broken.

Last week, while I was up at school coaching forensics (junior high public speaking competition), Michael had his first wetting accident in months. I had nothing there for him. He had to sit wet for 45 minutes. On the same day, Peter left his social studies project on the hard drive at school. It was due the next day. That afternoon, Drew commented that he and Alex were the only ones I hadn't raised my voice to. I am broken.

Yesterday, I asked the boys to quickly and quietly have their snack after school. I had to feed Alex, and just wanted a few quiet moments before homework, dinner and my rush to teach at my new earlier hour. The boys got louder and Michael's bowl of popcorn flew across the kitchen. I hung my head and thought to myself, I feel so broken.

I am trying to imitate Christy's example by thanking God for these moments, and MckMama's reminder that one day I am gonna miss this, but boy, some days it is so hard.

Swirling

As in swirling thoughts...I was musing about things to write this morning, and suddenly I was feeling inspired to write about the years of my parents' illnesses (yes, it was years!). I am still thinking about what I want to do. I have a lot to say. Not sure if I will just do some writing on my own or if I will share some of it here. Perhaps I will do both. I just feel like what I went through really developed me spiritually, and I feel like I need to write about it...we'll see...

A Gift

After being in such a down mood this week, today I was given a gift. Something I truly needed, yet did not ask for. I was able to go to lunch with my sister and 2 of her daughters (one of them turns 15 on Sunday). It was great to get out-without the kids (Andy was home). I am cherishing time with my sister and her girls-especially before her surgery on Monday, but that was not the gift in today.

After lunch, my sister needed to go home and rest (which is what she is supposed to do between now and the surgery). She asked me to take her daughters over to Confession. I have to say that this Sacrament was just what I needed. It hasn't been that long since I last went, but God knew what I needed. I feel so much better!

Thank you

Thank you to those who left comments on my post today. One thing I need to clarify. I should have proofed my post. I didn't mean to say that you all want me to be a better Catholic/Christian. I meant to say that you make me want to be a better Catholic/Christian. HUGE difference. I did not mean it as a comparison. I meant that as I read about others' spirituality it truly does inspire me.

I truly am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful women in my real life and in the blogosphere. I really do pray that I get to meet many of you one day.

I am making an executive decision tonight. I am going to pass on Recipe Swap this week (and maybe until after the Holidays). Something has got to give and I am starting with that. Perhaps I will post more pictures of my baby instead-y'all wouldn't mind that, would you?

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Time of the season

I am in a funk today. We were supposed to have the snowstorm of all snowstorms, and areas around us did. An hour west of here has 17 inches so far. We've gotten about 4 inches of snow, followed by rain and now it is snowing again. All schools in the area are closed except in our county.

Yes, I wanted snow-and lots of it! I was hoping to have a day with all of the kids that was unexpected and spend the day baking cookies and bread. (My Mom always said that the best time to bake bread was when it was snowing.) So, I am just disappointed.

I haven't felt like blogging much either lately. Not a lot to say. Working through my feelings over my sister's impending bypass surgery. I am trusting in God that she will be fine-she has to be. My sisters are my comfort since my parents died. Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers, and cherish time with them, but it is different.

I am also working through some spiritual matters. I look at many of you as such an inspiration. You make me want to be a better Christian, a better Catholic. I am just struggling with how to find the time to do everything I would like to do. That goes for my prayer life as well as my life as a wife, mother, sister, aunt and friend. A friend emailed me recently that she felt like I was an inspiration because of everything I do. I wanted to scream, "Not me!" I really don't feel that way at all.

Perhaps I am just tired (Jamie-Alex gave up her sleeping through the night! She is back up at 3 AM.), perhaps I need to pray more ( I know I do), perhaps I just needed a snow day. Oh well.